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WASHINGTON-- The United States declared war on every other nation in the
world today, thus putting an end to speculation as to which nation would
become our next enemy.
A relaxed President Fabio announced simultaneous attacks on 40
major nations today (including parts of New York City and Los Angeles),
upon 80 lesser nations tomorrow, and the rest this weekend.
He said, "Since the United States has always entered war for the
noblest of pretexts and has nearly always won, and since it was becoming
harder to justify further expansion of the military budget, the Joint
Chiefs of Staff [Raytheon, Boeing, GC, Exxon] recommended this
extraordinary step.
"It was only a matter of time until other nations conspired to
attack us, since they envy Disneyland, Baywatch, and having things to eat.
The best defense is an offense," he added.
Admiral Rachel Fossbinder explained that "Becoming the first truly
global empire will secure us unlimited control of Mideast Oil, of all the
gold we want, all the rare metals industry needs, and the cheap labor of
everyone who survives. We hope the world surrenders rather than resists."
When asked whether there might have been a peaceful resolution to
the crisis, Fossbinder said, "These nations would have gone to war with
each other eventually anyway. We are just protecting them from one
another. And we're going to create a billion new jobs in reconstruction
and crowd control."
Mary Goose, mother of five young men, says, "I'm proud to send my
boys off to kill and die for this cause. I'm 100% behind our president and
flag."
The United Nations voted overwhelmingly to support the action.
The Assimilated Press